having a think

some things that have happened recently that i want to remember:

① seeing hayato sumino live: he played a tiny piano for a song about his big cat ⭑.ᐟ

② getting an lp that's been on my wantlist for 3 years (!) after posting about some of my favourite songs from the band on my music log (maybe this is a manifestation ground?) aki at cosmos always knows

③ being stopped by a young couple from kerala on the ttc: the guy noticed my current read (the god of small things by arundhati roy) and we proceeded to talk about our motherland for the rest of my ride home. nothing ever good happens to me on the ttc so i felt weirdly emotional when this happened after a particularly terrible work day

④ buying my dream babydoll dress for my birthday next month ✿ my boss didn't give me any time off but i'm thinking of taking myself out for a proper dinner, and i wanna look cute while drinking a whole bottle of wine

⑤ seeing my first movie at the revue (smaurai cop) smacked out of my mind: it was the perfect viewing experience for the material

⑥ feeling a 25°C sun bake my skin for the first time this year in canada is incomparable

bringing my sketchbook out a lot more now too, very excited for a calm, centered, and creative summer ✮⋆˙

i realized i have a lot of guilt for being unremarkable. lately i've been going to events and gatherings with nothing to define my life except my lousy startup job, and dear god is it embarrassing to be in those rooms. the confidence i have in my solitude and personal creative endeavours just shrivels up so fast in those spaces, and i really hate it. i'm trying so hard to give myself grace, but as i get older it gets harder to stand up for myself and the way i choose to define the important parts of my life. i still do it, though—every time i feel threatened. because who am i without my stupid hobbies, my stupid job, and my small but beautiful circle of friends? when i think about trying to live up to the unachievable expectation of being "great," i want to hurl myself off a cliff.

as always, self-acceptance is a slow process for me. but coming face-to-face with people who clearly think my path is damned? so jarring and uncomfortable. my temper's been short with myself. i need to ease back into doing things for me, and me alone. my art is keeping me on track, and so are my friends. i came back from jamaica thinking: if i can feel this happy and at ease without the approval of spies looking into my life, that should be my baseline for how i live my "lacklustre" life ◡̈

anyways. i just talked myself out of pursuing a master's degree, and i think that's a success story in my timeline!

earlier in the new year, with the persuasion of a fan of the old web, i decided i’m finally gonna try this site-building thing again (no exceptions this time!). i’m hoping this page will help pull together all my scattered interests and keep them in one place that i (and maybe others, eventually) can look back on.

i wish for this site to become a source of inspiration/motivation in my daily creative practices, and eventually feel a little like home ♡